One-Horned Bull was a bull of a mountain herd that had about fifty cows under him. Cows and humans had been going at it for thousands of years, (according to the story), by the time One-Horned Bull came to power. It was a given thing that cows would spend much of their lives on the run from humans, and humans would spend much of their lives running after cows. Nobody had ever thought to sit down and try to come to some kind of an agreement. Not until One-Horned Bull came along.
He was sitting under a tree when the idea came to him and he quickly imparted it to his lead cow.
“Hey,” he said, “I’ve just had an idea.”
“What’s that One-horn?” said the lead cow.
“We spend a lot of time running away from humans, don’t we?”
“We do indeed One-horn. Probably because they kill us if they catch us.”
“That’s the reason indeed. But is it necessary? All this running? Couldn’t we come to some kind of an arrangement with them? With the humans?”
“Not sure I’m following you One-horn. What arrangement?”
“Well, now bear with me here. What if we let them kill us?”
“Wouldn’t really be a step forward there One-horn. Don’t think the rest of the herd will go for that one, to be fair.”
“No, no. Hear me out. We let them kill us, but only after a certain length of time. They give us a home, feed us, protect us from wolves and bears, take care of any medical problems, and then, in the end, they can kill us and eat us. What do you think?”
“Not sure big fella. It’s the killing and eating part. Not very persuasive, to be fair, One-horn.”
“Well, think about it. How many of us did they kill last year?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe seventeen, eighteen.”
“Exactly. So they’re killing us anyway. And who’s next?”
“Could be anyone. Could be me. Or you.”
“Exactly! None of us know when it’s coming. I can’t live like this anymore. We tell them that they can for sure kill ten of us per year and the chosen ten all know in advance. That way, fewer cows are killed, and everyone’s happy. The humans can stop running after us, and we get rid of all this stress. Not to mention getting a permanent home, medical treatment, free food winter and summer, and protection from all the other things that want to kill us.”
“Still, the killing part, you know? Maybe I don’t get hunted. Maybe I die of natural causes. It does happen.”
“Oh right! So you might get killed by a falling rock, or fall in the river, or get some crazy disease, is that what you mean?”
“Well…..”
“I’m doing it. I’m going to go and talk to the humans and see what they think.”
“But One-horn, I really can’t see them going for it either. As far as I know they love running after us. It’s not a great deal for them, is it, really?”
“No, you’re right. It’s a much better deal for us. But I can only try. I’ve got to do something. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s worth a try. We might have to concede medical treatment or something, but sure I’ll try everything. In fact, I’m going to do it right now.”
One-horned Bull set off across the fields. Well, you can imagine the commotion in the human camp when this huge bull was seen tumbling across the land towards them. The children panicked and ran away. Women screamed. Men grabbed their clubs and Barry Mulhern accidentally swallowed a paperclip.
However, it became clear as One-horn got closer that he wasn’t there to pick a fight, (no pun intended). Everyone relaxed a bit and the leader of the human tribe went out to meet the huge bull. The conversation continued for some minutes and then One-horn was invited into the human camp to discuss things further over a cup of tea.
They sat him down in the main tent. The humans all gathered round and seated themselves as far from One-Horn as possible. They were all drinking tea. It was unusual because they were taking sips of the tea and then spitting it out, but One-Horn didn’t question it. It’s better not to question too much when you are dealing with humans, he figured, because the answer ends up leaving you more confused than you had been in the beginning.
When he looked at them they tried to hide inside their own faces. Only the leader, who was sitting opposite, and another human with red hair, who was sitting beside the leader, met One-Horn’s gaze. They were all petrified. The first thing that he thought was, well why, if they are so afraid of me, can’t I just ram the whole lot of them and be done with it? But he had heard the stories about that kind of thing. The humans just keep coming back. They’re like cockroaches: you kill one, and there’s a hundred waiting behind the wall. So he stuck to his plan of negotiating some kind of a mutually beneficial partnership. After some shuffling, the meeting began. The leader spoke first.
“Praise be Flobb. Flobb be praised.” He said. One-Horn had no idea what this was all about, but the other humans all answered:
“In Flobb we trust.”
The leader continued:
“We are gathered here today to welcome a fine and noble guest. Please raise your cups as I introduce One-horned Bull, who is a representative of the herd of cows on the slopes of the mountain.”
The humans all raised their cups to One-Horn.
“One-Horn is here today with a very unusual proposal, which he and I have briefly discussed on in the field. I will turn the floor over to you One-horn and you can tell us what this is all about.”
“Thank you, human,” said One-Horn. “Humans, what I would like to propose to you is quite radical. I propose a cessation of hunting and running away. I would like to suggest that we come to a mutual agreement regarding the fact that you want to eat us and we want to live normal lives without being constantly afraid of being eaten. My proposal is this:
- Hunting stops.
- We cows come to live with you.
- You can kill and eat 10 of us per year.
- In return you provide us with food, shelter, medical care and protection against wolves and bears.
That’s it. No more running around after us. Guaranteed meat all year round in exchange for food, medicine and protection.”
On-Horn waited for a reaction to this. The humans seemed perplexed. After a pause, the leader spoke.
“Thank you One-horn. But One-horn, this is a very good deal for you cows, but not such a good deal for us. We are killing and eating more than ten of you per year at the moment. Why would we accept anything less?”
One-Horn had to think on his feet.
“That is true, human, but I am guaranteeing you ten. Also, think about the time you would save. No more hunting. You could spend that time doing something else.”
“But One-horn, we like hunting. We enjoy it. That is a negative point, not a positive one. Besides, what would we do with the extra time?”
“Well maybe you could invent things.”
The humans began to talk amongst themselves. One-Horn could see from their faces that they were not impressed. They hadn’t expected this at all. The leader spoke again.
“One-horn, let us get this straight. On your part you get free food, shelter, medical care and protection against other predators. And fewer of you will be killed. On our part we get less meat and a whole lot of extra work taking care of you cows. That’syour proposal?”
“Yes.”
“Okay One-horn. Let us have a few more moments to discuss this. Although, I have to say One-horn, that it doesn’t appear to be a very attractive proposition. However, let’s have some more tea and we’ll think it over.”
Some humans appeared and began topping up everyone’s tea. The ritual of sipping and spitting out began again.
One of the humans came over to where One-Horn was seated and put a cup and saucer under his nose and asked if he’d like some. He accepted the cup and then took a sip and spat out the tea as they had all been doing themselves. There was a general surprised murmur. One-Horn wasn’t sure about what he had done wrong, since they were all doing exactly the same thing. The leader spoke.
“I see you don’t like our tea,” he said.
“Oh, no. It’s okay,” One-Horn replied, “thank you very much. It’s lovely tea.”
“Then why are you spitting it out?”
“Well, all of you are spitting it out.”
“Yes. We don’t like it. But it’s a surprise that you don’t like it too. Could you tell us what the problem is?”
“No, no. There’s no problem. It’s lovely.”
“Well it’s obviously not. You wouldn’t be spitting it out if it were lovely.”
“Well,” he said, “it could do with a bit of milk.”
“What is this ‘milk’?” asked the leader.
“Actually I have some right here,” said One-Horn, and took out a bottle of milk that he had been keeping behind his ear for emergencies. He handed it over to the leader.
“You mean,” said the leader, “Put this into the tea?”
“Yes,”
The leader poured a bit of milk into his tea. There was a tense silence as the leader raised the cup to his lips. He drank. And then he swallowed. The silence became a gasp. The leader’s face reeled in astonishment. There was no spitting.
“Great Flobb!” said the leader, “This is delicious!”
The leader passed the bottle of milk to the red-haired guy. The red-haired guy passed the bottle to the guy next to him and the bottle made its’ way around the room until there was none left. The atmosphere double-backed upon itself. As the humans drank the tea with milk, they fell back in an ecstatic stupor. Some of them began to giggle. One man got up and proclaimed that his sight had returned. Another man announced that his real name was Gertrude. One man even sprouted wings and flew right out of the tent.
One-Horn waited until they had calmed down a bit before delivering the line that clenched the deal:
“There’s more where that came from.”
And that was it. They agreed to everything, with the extra provision that they could milk the female cows so as they could have milk for their tea. One-Horn left the human camp and went back to tell the herd. The following night they were all snuggled up in a hay barn the humans had made for them, and the humans watched them sleep as they drank their milky tea.