One Horned Bull is not alone in his estimation of humans. Humans are the laughingstock of the animal world. Nobody respects them. And I’m talking absolutely nobody, not even dogs. Goats are generally held in low esteem by most animals, on account of their fickle nature and their airy ideas about astrology and such, but even goats are more highly thought of than humans. Humans are intelligent, that would seem to be true, but this hasn’t served them well at all, in the opinion of most observers. Whether it’s the case that too much intelligence takes you full circle back round to idiocy, I can’t say, but scores of animals rip them off on a daily basis: cats, dogs, sheep, horses, cows and chickens, to name but a few.
I remember the day the geese decided to jump on the bandwagon. I still have the minutes from the meeting. I reproduce it here as a document of social and historical importance.
205,243,71st AGM of the Inclusive Brethren of Geese (Not Including Pink-Footed Geese).
Held at: Bean-shaped Pond.
The Annual General Meeting commenced at 5.30 pm on Friday 13th June. The meeting was chaired by Big White Goose. Confirmation was made that the quorum of at least 2000 members was present.
- PREVIOUS MINUTES
The minutes of the previous meeting were given. Everyone had forgotten what was discussed at the previous meeting, so another meeting was arranged to remind everyone about it. Fat Chested Goose reminded everyone that they had done this kind of thing before and that everyone would only forget it all over again anyway, so what was the point. Fat chested goose was reminded that he had spoken out of turn at the last meeting and please would he not do it again. Fat-chested Goose said that at the last meeting he had spoken about the fact that everyone keeps forgetting the previous meeting and he didn’t think that was speaking out of turn and had said it at the time. Big White Goose referred to the minutes of the last meeting and couldn’t find any record of this and so reprimanded Fat Chested Goose for speaking out of turn. Fat Chested Goose left the meeting and was heard to mumble ‘ridiculous bunch of senile twonks’.
- Announcement of the Proposal
Big White Goose announced the proposal before the gaggle which was:
That Geese should Domesticate Humans.
- Presentation of the current situation.
Big White Goose began by outlining the present situation of the Geese, which was:
- Many Geese have short and difficult lives.
- Many Geese are killed unexpectedly.
- Many Geese are hungry.
- Many Geese are at the mercy of predators and as such are constantly on edge, which is not good for stress levels and it doesn’t matter how much yoga you practice, some things, such as foxes, are just stressful and that’s that.
- Many Geese are forced to migrate in search of food.
- Many Geese have to look for new homes each year because when they return from their migrations, their homes from the previous year have disappeared.
- Many Geese are in counseling because of one or more of the above-mentioned points.
- Many Geese are fed up with all this and are becoming resentful of chickens, ducks etc.
No objections were made about any of these points. Everyone seemed to agree that they were all true. One Goose shouted “Amen!” following the announcement of point number two, but was, unfortunately, immediately killed by an unexpected falling meteor.
- Advantages of the proposal.
Big White Goose now outlined the advantages of domesticating humans.
- Many Geese will live longer.
- Many Geese will still be killed, but not unexpectedly.
- No Geese will be hungry.
- Geese will be mostly safe from predators.
- Migration will be optional and only for pleasure.
- Geese will have the same home all year, every year, if they want it.
- With the removal of so much stress, there shouldn’t be any need for counseling.
- Geese will have the same benefits as chickens, ducks etc.
Big White Goose finished and invited questions.
- Objections:
Several objections were made. The first objection came from the counselors, who complained that they were being put out of a job. Many of the Geese said that this was good because they didn’t want counselors anyway and that the job only existed because life was so tough. After domestication, said the other geese, the counselors could all relax and enjoy themselves, same as everyone else. One counselor said that he really enjoyed his job and didn’t want to relax, but Big White Goose poked him in the eye and he ran off crying. “Maybe he needs a counselor now after that”, someone said, and everyone laughed.
The next objection was regarding the killings. It was well known that humans ate Geese and Geese eggs. Surely this was a bad thing? Big White Goose referred them to point 2 in the present situation, and said that Geese were being killed anyway, by foxes, mink, cats, and even humans, so what difference was there? In fact, said Big White Goose, knowing when you are going to be killed is better than not knowing, because it gives you time to get your nest in order. Most of the Geese reluctantly accepted this.
The last objection was about predators. How could anyone guarantee complete protection? Well, we can’t presume complete protection, said Big White Goose, but it’s way better than what we have at the moment. Besides, he said, if any Goose wishes to remain wild, he is free to do so and take his chances. Nobody was forcing this on anybody.
- Conclusion of the Meeting.
The meeting was concluded with a general discussion about the pros and cons of domestication. Everyone agreed that overall it seemed to be the best way forward. In total, twenty-seven species of Goose agreed that they would take steps towards domestication. Unfortunately, all but one of these, the Greylag Goose, completely forgot what the meeting had been about and turned up the following year to find out what they had missed. To this day, the Geese meet, discuss and forget and then migrate away somewhere. The Greylag Goose went ahead and domesticated humans, and it is the descendants of this goose that you’ll see in the farmyard today.